I’ve always wanted to feel this. Deep down in my core to know my mother’s love and adoration for me simply by the way she looked at me. Not by what she said or what she bought me…but how she LOOKED at me. For some reason, it just never happened. The cards were not in my favor. I’ve learned now that acceptance and forgiveness is the only way I can move past the feelings of why… because it’s not my fault.
When a mother looks at their child in such a way to say, I love you…I like you, I hear you, I applaud you and I see you…it shows. As mothers we are of course tested through and through by our children but when its all said and done, and even when they don’t do what you told them to do or act the way you expected them to act, or live the way you expected them to live, you love them and admire them regardless for who they are NOT who you wanted them to be. I never felt this as a child but thank God I somehow got it as an adult so that I could love my kids in a way where they feel seen.
I never could put my finger on it. Why we just couldn’t connect. So I grew up always feeling like everything was my fault. Nothing was ever good enough in her eyes. A part of me embraced the constant criticism and push to always excel and another part of me shrunk in existence whenever I was in her presence. There was no way I could ever be my real, authentic self. Ever. Eventually, there were feelings of extreme sadness, fear, hurt, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, guilt and obligation that I learned to deal with and harbor for years and years. This disparaging reality turned me into a person I, myself, didn’t like. Critical, judgmental, aloof. Then something happened…self-discovery! My journey was an awakening to inner peace, self-love, self-care and healing without any guilt, without any regret. With that healing comes a bit of selfishness that takes place and that is not always understood or accepted by most, especially when it comes to the parent-child relationship. I used to struggle with that guilt for years in my 20’s and even 30’s but I knew in order to take hold of my well-being it is was very necessary for me to protect myself, honor myself and love myself.
I am my mother’s child. I’ve had to push myself to the depths of my soul to raise my kids differently. To SEE them and for them to FEEL it. But the beautiful thing about becoming a mother was that my kids forced me, in the best way possible, to raise them outside of my comfort zone. The love I have for them and the need and desire to be a great mom meant I had to change the things about me I didn’t like in order to meet them where they are and honor their spirits. It was a very conscious decision because before I was living unconsciously out of habit, doing things that I thought were right. I knew I had to change to accept them as individual beings, to raise their spirits, to bend, to fail, to focus on the now and to love myself enough to want to be the best mom I could be. It’s been scary and intimidating and daunting to think that I, ME, little ol me, am raising THREE human beings to be the best versions of themselves. HOW DO I DO THAT!?!?! I’ve been blessed to realize it’s much easier than I thought. It starts with me.
Self-love and Self-care means you honor yourself and you put yourself first because you are enough. Period.
#lifelessons #diaryofavirgo #namaste
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